I feel like it is kinda silly to blog when no one is reading it- but I need some way to get out what goes through my mind. My poor husband must get tired of hearing me analyze and worry everything to death. I feel kind of like and emotional wreck right now- but I dont know why. Its nothing I can put my finger on. I am excited, yet very anxious about my future. And so I tend to analyze every possible outcome of my life, which is overwhelming and sends me into a panic. I cant even describe how it goes through my head. But it is constant. I feel like I am getting so close to graduating that I need to know what I want to do. But there are so many things that I want to do. I know the one place I ultimately want to work, but what chance do I have to get hired there? Should I spend 2 days a week there next semester in hopes that I would have a better chance at being hired there? But what if they arent even looking to hire, will it be worth it? THose two days could be spend STUDYING, for my major exams that determine if I can even GET a job and working on my project that will definately be time consuming. If I drive to Norman 2 extra days will I be stretching myself too thin and become overwhelmed? But what if another student goes there next semester and then gets hired over me cuz she was already there. Its DUMB. Then there is the possiblity of spending the 2 days at the coclhear implant clinic which is closer. And when I graduate if I dont get on where I want, do I want to work in a school? Or do outpatient with children and adults. Its crazy but I am starting to think I wouldnt mind working with some adults. All because of my one patient that changed everything. I think I just havent got to see many of the types of adults I really enjoy. The ones with true aphasia, not the ones who had knee surgery and are now confused from the anesthesia. Not that all patents dont deserve therapy- and good therapy and compasionate therapists, but I would just really love it if I was working with a bunch of people with true aphasia, apraxia, and I want to see some TBI's! He really did change everything for me. At first, it was so very very hard for me. I struggled so much with him and didnt always have the right attitude. I just pray to God he did not pick up on it. It wasnt that I thought he could or couldnt do/understand anything, I just didnt know and it was my first experience sitting across the table from someone who couldnt give you a resonse. But as he came to life and I saw him- who he really was- how hard he was trying- it just broke my heart. He has changed the way I will forever look at my patients.
But then I worry because I dont really feel like I will be ready to actually BE the SLP in charge when it comes to adults. I would freak the first time I had to do a swallow study by myself. I guess I need to just start studying up and becoming as comfortable as possible with everything. I just dont feel like I know enough. To be the one to have the families asking me all the questions and wanting me to provide them with info and answers. So it scares me.

THEN i worry about the kids I dont know. When wil I have them>? Who will keep them? HOw will I work and have kids? Will I be sad t stay home with them and not work for a few years? How wil it work if I try to work part time? DUMB

And then today, I am seriosuly OBSESSING over this. It was my first time to totally eval a pateint and make the decision without my supervisor even SEEING the patient. I do evals alone all the time, but they at least pop in for a few mins to see what the pt is like. And I guess I have said well yeah we need to see them, but thats easy when there are all these deficits jumping out. But this guy today. 35- CP- had a stroke. I was excited! I hoped he would be interesting! HE was so nice and would have been the perfect patient, but he was very with it and not what I expected. He did everyhting on the eval without much prob. at all. So when asked I said we didnt need to see him. But then I wondered if I made a mistake. What if we really should see him and the other therapists when they start seeing him are like, uhm, he needs speech, then I look dumb. And i remembered that he told me he had a heart attack, but he didnt he had a stroke. And he missed some of the questions. So I do not know. I am partially sad cuz hed be fun to have, and partially worried that I overlooked something and will look dumb when others see that he really is confused and cant remember stuff...................
I wish I could let stuff go and just let what happens happens. Esp when it comes to long term stuff that I can not control now. i think im just so anxious to start my job that I think of it all the time, but then taht is what causes my worries...

ahhhh