I dont know if its just hormones from the pregnancy that is making me emotional or what. Its stupid really but im having myself a little pity party. I was so close to my dream job. I could have had it. I would have had it. But I turned it down. For a year I knew it was the job I wanted, i dreamed of it, prayed for it, and it worked out perfectly. It was going to be mine. But then I found out I was pregnant. Which is awesome and Im so excited and I wouldnt change it even if I could. But that chagned everything. So I took this other job. That I love. And that gives me the flexibility I need and will want when baby gets here. And it pays more than I could make anywhere else. How could I be so fortunate? I should be so thankful that I have a job. One I love, and one that pays well, in this time where people are loosing their jobs. I Think I just spent so much time stuck on the job i wanted. And i have such as passion for that place and those kids and I would get to see the types of kids I really love and such a wider variety. Then I wonder if I will ever get to work my dream job. I mean when? when my kids are all in school. And take a pay cut to work more, less flexible hours? Why am I even worrying about this now? There is absolutely no point. I should just be so thankful for what a wonderful opportunity that has been provided. Its just hard when my friend HAS my job and shes doing all this cool stuff that would have been me!

I feel like it is kinda silly to blog when no one is reading it- but I need some way to get out what goes through my mind. My poor husband must get tired of hearing me analyze and worry everything to death. I feel kind of like and emotional wreck right now- but I dont know why. Its nothing I can put my finger on. I am excited, yet very anxious about my future. And so I tend to analyze every possible outcome of my life, which is overwhelming and sends me into a panic. I cant even describe how it goes through my head. But it is constant. I feel like I am getting so close to graduating that I need to know what I want to do. But there are so many things that I want to do. I know the one place I ultimately want to work, but what chance do I have to get hired there? Should I spend 2 days a week there next semester in hopes that I would have a better chance at being hired there? But what if they arent even looking to hire, will it be worth it? THose two days could be spend STUDYING, for my major exams that determine if I can even GET a job and working on my project that will definately be time consuming. If I drive to Norman 2 extra days will I be stretching myself too thin and become overwhelmed? But what if another student goes there next semester and then gets hired over me cuz she was already there. Its DUMB. Then there is the possiblity of spending the 2 days at the coclhear implant clinic which is closer. And when I graduate if I dont get on where I want, do I want to work in a school? Or do outpatient with children and adults. Its crazy but I am starting to think I wouldnt mind working with some adults. All because of my one patient that changed everything. I think I just havent got to see many of the types of adults I really enjoy. The ones with true aphasia, not the ones who had knee surgery and are now confused from the anesthesia. Not that all patents dont deserve therapy- and good therapy and compasionate therapists, but I would just really love it if I was working with a bunch of people with true aphasia, apraxia, and I want to see some TBI's! He really did change everything for me. At first, it was so very very hard for me. I struggled so much with him and didnt always have the right attitude. I just pray to God he did not pick up on it. It wasnt that I thought he could or couldnt do/understand anything, I just didnt know and it was my first experience sitting across the table from someone who couldnt give you a resonse. But as he came to life and I saw him- who he really was- how hard he was trying- it just broke my heart. He has changed the way I will forever look at my patients.
But then I worry because I dont really feel like I will be ready to actually BE the SLP in charge when it comes to adults. I would freak the first time I had to do a swallow study by myself. I guess I need to just start studying up and becoming as comfortable as possible with everything. I just dont feel like I know enough. To be the one to have the families asking me all the questions and wanting me to provide them with info and answers. So it scares me.

THEN i worry about the kids I dont know. When wil I have them>? Who will keep them? HOw will I work and have kids? Will I be sad t stay home with them and not work for a few years? How wil it work if I try to work part time? DUMB

And then today, I am seriosuly OBSESSING over this. It was my first time to totally eval a pateint and make the decision without my supervisor even SEEING the patient. I do evals alone all the time, but they at least pop in for a few mins to see what the pt is like. And I guess I have said well yeah we need to see them, but thats easy when there are all these deficits jumping out. But this guy today. 35- CP- had a stroke. I was excited! I hoped he would be interesting! HE was so nice and would have been the perfect patient, but he was very with it and not what I expected. He did everyhting on the eval without much prob. at all. So when asked I said we didnt need to see him. But then I wondered if I made a mistake. What if we really should see him and the other therapists when they start seeing him are like, uhm, he needs speech, then I look dumb. And i remembered that he told me he had a heart attack, but he didnt he had a stroke. And he missed some of the questions. So I do not know. I am partially sad cuz hed be fun to have, and partially worried that I overlooked something and will look dumb when others see that he really is confused and cant remember stuff...................
I wish I could let stuff go and just let what happens happens. Esp when it comes to long term stuff that I can not control now. i think im just so anxious to start my job that I think of it all the time, but then taht is what causes my worries...

ahhhh

Some like it hot...

I used to blog on xanga- but havent really blogged in a while cuz its hard to write something that I dont mind EVERYONE reading. So maybe it will be nice to have a private little blog. Or maybe I will tell a few, who knows.

I am calling in sick to work tomorrow I think, if I can talk myself into it. It makes me feel bad...kinda. Esp since it is only a 3 day week. Aaron is off work tho and I really want to spend then day with him, and even tho I do have fall break- Wed night I am going to keep 4 kids and wont leave til Saturday...so I really have a lot to get ready before then. And I know Im a wuss, but tomorrow is a 9-5 day and I DREAD long days like that. Maybe it would make a difference if I were getting paid for the work I do. Instead my supervisors get paid for me to do most of their work. And both of them only work part time so they arent there everyday and have said they WONT have a job where they have to go everyday. Sure they have kids, but if even they dont like it that well- and this is the job theyve chosen, why would I like going every single day? And I really end up in the middle of a lot of things. Like one day my supervisor will decide one thing, and then next day when I tell the other one, she totally disagrees and wants to do something different, then I am the one that has to tell the other one blah blah blah. I prob should save calling in sick for sometime in November when I really really need a break, but oh well, Id rather spend the day with my husband, relax, and get stuff done. Its just getting hard for me to go to a job everyday that I dont enjoy so much, AND dont get paid. I mean it isnt HORRIBLE, but I dont go and ENJOY it. I ENJOYED this summer, and will get a job that I enjoy going to. I feel bad for people that have to go to work and hate it day after day. I cant wait to get back to kids, what I really enjoy. Its not that I will enjoy every second of it. There will be days I hate, days I dont want to go, days I wish I didnt have to work, but overall I know I will love my job. It is the most rewarding thing ever. Every child is different, and is a little puzzle that I get to figure out. Im very excited about my future! I am trying to enjoy my present, but Im ready for Dec 4th!

This weekend was fun. We cooked for Forgiven who came over to watch the game. I cleaned my house like crazy and totally love having a spotless house. I hope I can keep it this clean. Its so much more relaxing. I also like entertaining. We need more couple friends to hang with. Maybe we can do that some as we get to know the couples in our sunday school class more.